All my words

Listen to yourself: your own inner voice. Don’t chase what your parents want for you or what your friends want or what your boyfriend wants or what some counselor in 10th grade wanted for you, chase what YOU want for you.   Maybe to learn what that is you have to try a lot of different things. Pay attention to how you feel. If you’re lucky, eventually you’ll find something that makes you feel alive. It’s scary, but it’s a good scary. You’re trembling with excitement. You feel like this matters. You feel in place. The constant nagging in your brain finally quiets for a moment and you are one with the activity. With the mission. You can't feel your ass in the chair. That’s your thing.   But where do I find the time? I can’t focus! I’m too tired. Cut the fat. There is likely much more fat in your life than it seems. Any friend who does not provide value: fat. People who suck your energy and use you as a sounding board for their shitty stream of consciousness one sided therapy ses...

  “Aloha is the Hawaiian word for love, affection, peace, compassion and mercy, that is commonly used as a simple greeting but has a deeper cultural and spiritual significance to native Hawaiians, for whom the term is used to define a force that holds together existence.” This is to be contrasted with the image of a malicious, spiteful, nervous, demeaning grouch who can only attempt to show affection by making people feel small, face fixed in a perpetual scowl except in the rare moments he is speaking to a service worker or a particularly amusing dog.  

In the 7th grade I asked this girl to the dance. I didn’t like her really, but my friend said he was gonna ask her and I was a small machiavellian sociopath so I asked her myself. She had big tits. For a 7th grader. She was a blonde white girl, kind of looked like a creepy American Girl Doll. Most of her face was okay, but she had this unfortunate nose that sloped way upwards like a pig. I probably looked directly at her face three times across all our interactions (not because she was particularly unattractive, but because I was unconfident and 11).   Unfortunately, she thought that because I asked her to the dance, we were dating now. And I didn’t know how to tell her that we weren’t, so I just never did. We barely ever talked, but to her, we were dating. I remember actively avoiding her. Mostly due to my own insecurity, but also because I was truly not interested. This either lasted for a few weeks or a few months. Then she moved away and I haven’t really thought about her until...

Unfortunately, my phone’s internet connection did not bend to my will. Could not call an Uber, so I was pretty much stranded in Tijuana alone at 3 AM. Couldn’t text or call my group. Xanax makes logistics difficult. It was looking grim. I approached a motherly-looking street hooker and asked her if she spoke English. She did. She resembled the fairy godmother from Shrek 2. She called me an Uber on her Mexican phone and told me I can pay the guy in cash as he drops me off. I gave him 12 US dollars. Gracias Everybody.

Fuck finding a job I am a shapeless drifting blob A messy feckless apathetic sickly thin and wimpy slob Depressed and testy lack intention and do not believe in God Essentially a one dimensional attention seeking fraud

Every time I’m talking to girls high I think to myself: God, I should write this shit down. It’s so good. how do i come up with this stuff? necessity breeds innovation. diamonds formed under pressure. blah blah blah.   I can’t write it down because that would ruin the moment for them, and so I don’t write it down, and so it is not stored in my long term memory.