All my words

Yesterday I played in the Smash Bros tournament under the influence of Adderall XR.   Here are the effects: I am completely locked into the game. My gaze is fixed on the screen, I have no compulsion to look anywhere else. I don’t even hear anything else. I am in task-completion mode. I see character: Ganondorf. I think: How to kill ganondorf. I think: Back air. I hit a back air. I wait for him to delay his up B. I kill the ganondorf. It is that simple. Defeat best Ganon in the world in tournament set.   I am not hungry. All day I am not hungry. For dinner I am not hungry. I eat about half of my meal at outback steakhouse. This is the real way people lose weight.

is what all my co workers must be thinking every time they see me (over zoom.) i look like an autistic incel teenager. it’s not sexy. it’s not distinguished. it’s just sad. i’ve grown attached to my long hair because i know what lies beneath this look and it’s even worse.  

ADHD is a marketing scheme to sell methamphetamines.   Methamphetamines make it easy to do things that you don’t want to do so that you can be a functioning member of society, with your iPhone-eroded brain and chair-fucked body and unrealistic expectations for yourself.   In the future, They will use how close you were born to the internet boom to measure your mental health status. Everyone will be suffering the same disease. Everyone will have “ADHD” by 2030.  

There’s more to life than compliments There’s more to life than having friends There’s more to life than being sexy There’s more to life than being seen There’s more to life than being the best There’s more to life than being funny There’s more to life than being smart There’s more to life than being “chill” There’s more to life than being wanted There must be more to life, I tell myself But it’s so hard to believe any of that when the interactions I have with others are the only ones that carry any weight

It’s easy to love when you’re young and full of potential and you’ve never been burned before. You love the first person who happens to fill your criteria out of convenience.  

I hate my job. I actually never find joy in it, but for the past year I’ve been so good at not working that I’ve been able to minimize the amount of misery it brings me. I’ve also been exceptionally skilled at making people think I’m content with my job so that they don’t worry about me. I emphasize how “nice it is to work from home.” I feel like a caged animal in my apartment all day. But, it’s probably better than feeling like an actual physical slave working at any kind of classic “Job” that requires the employee to leave the house.

Some people need to hear the opposite. Some people go with the “fuck it, life is short” option every time. Should I have an eighth cookie? Fuck it, life is short.   It doesn’t work because for most people, life is long. Really long. And really shitty if you always go with instant gratification.   Fortune favors the bold, but prison also favors the bold. The most intense successes and the most intense failures in our society are both the result of intense boldness. For every Eminem who spent their entire teens and 20s rapping, there are thousands of lookalikes who tried the same thing and were never able to make a single dollar off of their “creative passion”-- died alone, single, miserable, unloved, unfulfilled.   Everyone told them not to do it and everyone was right.   I don’t think I have a point with this one. I don’t know if I should be taking more risks or less, as a general rule. There is a gnawing at my brain that tells me to be more honest on social media an...

If you go on stage and your opener sucks, everyone HATES you, the whole time. You can’t recover. The first impression frames the way they see everything else. So if you’re an unknown, you need to convince them you’re worth listening to in like 10 seconds or you’re going to be up there for 5 minutes yelling at a wall.  And you just get more and more frustrated that the jokes you’re telling which have brought joy to so many other crowds for some reason are completely unappreciated by these blank drones staring forward or down at their phones. This is called a Bomb. Because if you fuck up at the beginning, they will tune you out. They will not listen to anything else you say. This is the same with writing. Probably no one has read this far. Because you read the first line and decided it wasn’t worth your time. So you kept scrolling. When you bomb, the audience has mentally chosen to keep scrolling.  

I cannot seem to divorce myself from the positive effects of marijuana.   I think: surely it does not make me better at work, better as a lover, better as a friend, stronger in the gym, more creative, more attentive in conversation, more thoughtful, more human. But it does. Tragically, consistently, it does.   The only thing weed makes me worse at is sleeping. Which, over time, destroys me completely.  So I abstain.

is a real scumbag job make people want things seduce, manipulate pry inside the subconscious, convince them that they really do need that new thing, it’s not the neglect of their relationships or their dreams that is making them miserable, it’s that they don’t have one of our patented Luminara Flameless Candles at their holiday function or as a part of their home decor today. But only if you buy in the next 12 minutes, because we have red timer ticking down on the checkout page which triggers your subconscious into scarcity mode, so that you TYPE YOUR CREDIT CARD INFORMATION INTO THE FIELD BELOW AND CLICK THE “PURCHASE NOW” BUTTON, SO THAT YOU CAN EXIST AS ANOTHER DATA POINT ON MY FUCKING EXCEL SHEET THAT I HAVE TO PREPARE EVERY MONDAY MORNING FOR THE REST OF MY POINTLESS LIFE!

When the show has a good first or second season so you watch it begrudgingly for the rest of your life clinging on to the possibility the writers hit that stride again Rick and Morty

I started drinking at 17. a pretty normal age — but people had been trying to get me to drink or smoke weed for years — mostly my sisters’ idiot friends, The Cool Kids, the ones who Had Sex and Wore Surf Brands and “Partied” on the weekends, etc. Wouldn’t it be so funny if Maria’s brother got high? we totally gotta get Thomas Sky wasted, come on Thomas it’ll be fun. You’re going. You have to come down and party with us Thomas, Thomas, Thomas Tho-mas Tho-mas come on, Sunny why does your brother hate us? Why won’t Thomas Sky talk to us? We just wanna be your friend, come onnnn I seemed like the kind of kid who would be easy to peer pressure based on my posture and tone and generally unconfident vibe, but actually trying to manipulate me was like running into a brick wall.   The brick wall: I watched my dad drink heavily and constantly throughout my entire life. that was reason number one. but the realer reason was that I couldn’t let anyone see me. I thought that getting drunk or hig...

My parents did a good job making it clear to me that they were always on my side and always would be, no matter what.   I have full confidence that if I killed someone, and I asked my mom to help me cover it up, she wouldn’t even question it.   This is why I don’t much believe in right and wrong. I believe in loving those who you keep close. Fuck being “good” or “right” if you’re all alone. Fuck “The Greater Good.” Fuck Recycling. There’s no scorecard at the end of this life that tells you how right you were the whole time and how wrong everyone else was. You can’t save everyone so don’t try.  

  Asked a good friend, staring deep into the poorly-obscured bruise on the girl’s left cheek.   “Yeah, I just…” She paused for a moment and broke eye contact, like people do when they’re about to lie.   “I ran into a door…” Her friend knew that this was not the case, and the girl knew that she knew that, and they looked at each other for a brief moment in somber understanding.   Her friend produced a smile. “I just hope you’re okay, is all.” The girl smiled back. “No, I am! better than ever, honestly.” And she honestly really was. Her secret boyfriend slapping her in the face last night with enough force to leave a mark was the most exciting thing to happen to her in many years.   She had always coveted something like this, and lately her dreams had come to life. It was too good to be true. She couldn’t say all this to her genuinely concerned friend sitting across the table at the cafe, but she hoped to relay it all with her genuine smile.   But her mind wa...

is inundated with constant lifelong messaging about how smart and capable and strong and independent and rugged and badass the girl is so he is puzzled to say the least when he finds that every girl he comes into close contact with seems to have this latent desire to be used, overcome, shamed, owned and this feeling is so powerful and long-repressed that when she finally does experience it, she is positively ecstatic, disappearing from the world while her physical body produces the most hysterical desperate cries and moans you’ve ever heard in any porn or from any wild animal or from anything, ever. it’s actually kind of pathetic, and she knows it, and she likes being so pathetic and this phenomenon is known to normies as a “kink.” dom/sub, humiliation, bdsm, rough sex, etc. But it’s not. It’s more natural, more real than any “vanilla” sex could ever be treating girls like this and noticing that it really turns them on and calling it a kink is like pressing the power button on your com...

Don’t think about her going to a concert with her sister and don’t think about the revealing outfit she’s going to wear and don’t think about the alcohol she’s going to drink and don’t think about the way she will feel about the band and don’t think about the fact that all concerts are kind of big orgiastic worship ceremonies and don’t think about all the tall well-dressed white men who will be at the concert enjoying the music but also scanning the crowd for someone who looks exactly like my precious girlfriend.

Morality is what separates us from the animals and sexuality is what tethers us back. Or maybe it's just me. But I doubt it.