All my words

I just want Tweek (the brain that does the winning) to autistically talk about his thought process for an hour while taking curated questions from an audience I’m not here to be entertained or experience the Top Player Friend Group Simulator I’m here to passively study your mind while I’m working out.

I would lie to my girlfriend and say that I’m going to sleep, when I’m actually just freeing myself from the status of: I am awake and she knows I’m awake and I’m not talking to her, and why not?   And I might not have a good answer for that, so I avoid it altogether by saying “Good night baby, I love you so much” and setting my online status to “invisible” and pacing around my apartment for two hours and cleaning and paying parking tickets and eventually settling down into the tombstone I sit in all day and pounding out this awful fucking paragraph that no one will ever read. And as I type “that no one will ever read,” I envision the moment I eventually screenshot this note and post it on my private twitter, or the moment I send it to my girlfriend and anxiously await her curated digital response, hoping that this note is not the one that finally signifies to her that she’s wasting her time with a future mental patient. In March or April I finally summoned the guts to see a real l...

In March or April I finally summoned the guts to see a real life therapist and look him in the eyes and say some words about myself and promised him that I would be back and then something came up and I ghosted him forever. I’ve done that to a lot of people but he’s the only one I wasn’t trying to fuck.  

smiling at the keyboard, blessed to reconnect with my very closest friend: myself at my best, i’m not writing for anyone, i’m freeing some ghost from within. ghosts lying dormant for months, years, the longer it’s with me the more weight is released. putting it on paper is the first step of letting it go.  

And I get so cold because I can’t tell you that every straight guy who wants to “hang out” alone with you is just trying to fuck you, partially because I don’t know that if that’s really true or if it’s just me, and if it is then that exposes something pretty ugly about myself, but also because I don’t want to shatter your view of men in general. And though I wish I could trust you when you say “He’s not into me, I would know,” I know that a crucial part of attracting a girl is making her feel like you don’t really want her, that you could do better. That your intentions are pure. So you thinking that he doesn’t “like” you actually gives him a better chance of getting what I think he wants. I’m not crazy.

And so I get quiet and cold because I can’t tell you that every straight guy who wants to “hang out” alone with you is trying to fuck you, partially because I don’t know that if that’s really true or if it’s just me, and if it is then that exposes something pretty ugly about myself, but also because i don’t want to shatter your view of men in general. And though I wish I could trust you when you say “He’s not into me, I would know,” I know that a crucial part of attracting a girl is making her feel like you don’t really want her, or even that she is inferior to you in some way. So you thinking that he doesn’t like you actually gives him a better chance of getting under your skin. And though my rational brain knows that you are in love with me and you can’t imagine anything else, I can clearly envision another man taking advantage of you and you secretly liking it in the just the same way. [Editor's Note: This was 1 month into a relationship. I no longer feel this way. They all live...