All my words

Is so incredibly disgusting… years of ear wax and lint and bacteria and i charge my airpods in there every single day and they go right back in my ears. i never get any ear infection or anything.   i’m actually amused by how gross it is, like the spectacle of it. i refuse to clean it because i want to see just how disgusting it can get. will mold start to grow there eventually? i’ll be the first to find out. i’ll be at the cutting edge of a new science no one has had enough neglect and self hatred to investigate.  

nobody taught me how to jerk off. i didn’t watch a video. it just happened naturally. i was cranking it back and forth like an atari joystick. still, i came hard. and i immediately felt this crushing sense of shame and guilt like i had just killed a man, it was exhilarating and scary. it’s like my body did a hard reset and woke up in a new reality. i felt like i was in a nightmare, like the DMT feeling, like you’re playing a FPS and you’ve taken a lot of damage so the screen is kind of blurred and there’s blood and darkness along the edges. I was probably the last of my friends to touch his dick. nobody told me. it just never came up. i didn’t know what sex was at all. somehow i had avoided hearing or learning about sex for my entire life until that point.   I thought that “sleeping together” literally meant sleeping together. Like a man and a woman slept together in the same bed and if they loved each other very much, she would become pregnant.  

  Before I was self conscious, I was Thomas Sky. Thomas Sky Johnston Gallo. That is what I wrote on the top of every page of every school assignment until age 10. It only irked me once I realized how many more letters my name had than other kids’ names and how inconvenient it was to write that all the time. But I wrote it. I trusted my parents' judgement back then. Mom was obsessed with the idea that I was somehow different from other kids. But no kid wants to be different. They just want to fit in. Fitting in is how you survive. The strategy wears out as you grow older. She had me IQ tested. Skipped grades. Homeschooled. She made sure I was different. I felt no smarter than anyone else. Just younger and more afraid. 

“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”

Girls' Bodies: PLEASE HAVE A CHILD I’M BEGGING YOU WE MUST PROPAGATE THE SPECIES Girls: AW THIS PUPPY IS SO CUTE IM GOING TO DIE OMFG WHY DO I FEEL SO STRONGLY ABOUT THIS INSTAGRAM REEL

You spend all day outside, and then come home to your dark, cool apartment, shower, and nuzzle under the covers with a live female human. it’s a rest you’ve earned and the cool sheets feel doubly amazing on your sun-stained skin. This is all I want.

i can’t take a compliment because I received so much praise from my parents that I read as false/undeserved that can’t trust anyone’s “good job”s or “i like you”s. the only approval i trust is involuntary laughter. because laughs don’t lie. that’s why i do stand up. that’s why i do anything.  

At 5:30, she texts me saying that she no longer feels like coming over and that she’s “not looking for hook ups.” I am flabbergasted. I had a tournament I could’ve gone to today and I abstained because I was confident she wouldn’t cancel.   I respond “I wasn’t even trying to hook up damn.” (Lie) and “I’ve been looking forward to this all day :(“ (True) No response for an hour. I go lie in my bed defeated, ready to give up on women and swiping apps.   At about 6:30, she responds “Oh I didn’t know haha, do you still want me to come.” I reluctantly agree. I have no other viable plans. “Yes.” I respond. She plans to come at 8.   To my surprise, she comes at 8. It’s awkward for the first hour like it always is, she is disarmed when I take off my sweater like they always are, and we end up hooking up like we always do.   We watch HunterXHunter for about two hours as I gradually move from brushing up against her to hanging my head in her lap to smelling her hair to kissing ...

It’s an app where guys post a picture + their situation and get instant feed back from other guys about what their opener should be. Like those posts that get mocked on twitter but for real.   A couple days ago I saw a girl with hot pink hair sitting alone in the park. For some reason, she looked lonely and open minded. I thought there was a small chance she might be receptive to my approach, but I had nothing to say. Someone on this app might think of something funny (as determined by upvotes) and help me get my foot in the door.   It has to be instant, because these moments don’t last long. You’re behind somebody in line, consult the app. She’s sitting alone at a diner, consult the app. The collective male consciousness.

I was in line for the TSA bag check clown show recently and the dude who yells at people about what they need to remove from their bag type-casted me as a Gamer.   In front of me there’s this young woman and he’s like phones, cameras, ipads, everything out of the bag! and then there’s a dude in like business attire and he’s like phones, laptops, kindles, out of the bag! and i go up and he’s like phones, laptops, nintendo switches, out of the bag! did you just assume i’m a gamer? what the fuck? not only a gamer, but that i would be carrying around a nintendo switch? thanks for telling me i look like an incel buddy.   and i was especially hurt because I WAS carrying a nintendo switch and a gamecube controller because I was flying to a smash tournament. Alone.

I need you more than you need me But won’t you love me anyway?   With you I am myself Entirely, honestly, only, myself.   This is my only safe place.