All my words

“What’s it like being a grown up?”   You know when you’re about to cross the street and you see the cars racing by and you feel no urge to jump in front of them and end your life? "..." Well that will change. "what?" You’ll understand when you’re older

In a grand cosmic sense, it's useful to see the mental health spectrum as the universe generating experiments that wind up with a disproportionate number of Tommy Wiseaus in order to get a Tesla, Twain or Lincoln in trade. 

All these people dancing look like they know what they’re doing. Everyone here is older than me and better dressed. I feel no connection to any one.   The music’s really loud. I’m definitely suffering hearing damage. I have to scream as loud as I can to communicate.  This is no place for a guy like me.  Attractive femoid approaching. I can’t pretend to be happy for long enough to establish a connection. It’s not happening. Reject her before she can reject you. Keep moving.

i am in the car with Jeff Garlin, who is also my dad for some reason, and he points a gun at my face. I feel the barrel on my forehead. i begin to plead. no, dad, please don’t do it. but he has to. i know too much. we struggle with this realization for a few moments before I open my eyes and begin to sob uncontrollably. his face follows suit. the walls bleed. he withdraws the gun. we sob together.   there is a girl, at some point. a cigarette. an old friend. when i sleep for 10-12 hours my dreams are epic trilogies, more fascinating and dramatic than anything you can find on TV. besides bojack horseman.  

Thomas 2 makes choices that are in his own best interest.   Thomas 2 does one thing at a time. His hands are free. He plans ahead. He delays gratification.   He eats well. He feels better. He drinks water. He always has water in front of him.   He fills the water filter up all the way. He stands there for the extra 20 seconds because it saves time in the long run.   His apartment is clean. It is orderly. It works for him, not against him.   He doesn’t smoke weed. He doesn’t have to be the funniest, most chill guy alive every second he’s interacting with other people. He gets to have dreams.   He goes to the gym. Not because he wants to, but because he has to. He stretches. He does pelvic thrusts and legs, even though it’s not fun.   He does not go out to get laid. That’s not how getting laid works. He goes out to enjoy the company of the people he’s with.   He keeps writing. Crucially, he writes every day. He doesn’t need marijuana to write or to ...

That girls on college campuses and on late night talk shows (which are dying thankfully) are dressed exactly as hookers in strip clubs. Not saying there's anything wrong with that. Just noticing. 

i am almost 23, fully jaded, curled up in a ball on the hardwood floor of my studio apartment, the castle i built, completely devoid of hope or will. why even record this? so some day I can look back on this note and feel a twinge of gratitude for having escaped this position? that implies it will get better. i don’t know how that’s possible. my life is a castle i've built around me - i'm doomed to watch it fall to pieces, killing me in the process.   it’s not the apartment’s fault. it’s not anyone’s fault. it just is. i don’t know why it is, but it is. maybe it is the overuse of marijuana coupled with the sudden abstinence, but it is something . the poorly timed lower back injury is surely not helping. i don’t even care that i used surely in two consecutive sentences. it doesn’t matter. no one will read this anyways. for people to read what you have to say for more than a few sentences in the year 2021, you need to be a billionaire, have a billion twitter followers, or be the ...

  Pros:   Humidity is better for my breathing, my nose is less dry The weather changes which I personally prefer (feels less like i’m living in a simulation), I can’t wait for snow People in general seem to be more outdoors-oriented, campy, sports-inclined (in the summer/fall random strangers would play pickup games of various sports at parks randomly like it’s nothing) The average person seems to be somewhat smarter and more friendly Light rail is active, easy to use, and relatively safe (and they dont check if i pay which is good because i’m a scamming scoundrel) Cons:   It rains almost every day and gets dark at 4:00pm in the winter I haven’t felt sunlight in months Not as many big music/comedy acts perform in Seattle as LA (though relative to the rest of the US we get a good amount of them)