All my words

This habit has consumed my life. I’m not sure of its utility any more. I don’t think my writing is valuable to anyone, and maybe not even valuable to myself. I don’t know how to tell if anything is good because that would require asking people and wasting their time and I don’t want to squander the connections I do have because maybe they are all I have.   It’s like I’m trying to solve a puzzle that doesn’t exist, with these notes. This constant self reflection I do almost every day in excruciating detail. It’s like I’m chatting with a therapist on facebook messenger but the therapist is myself in a month when I’ve grown enough to reflect on these emotions with a more objective mind.   I hope you’re still reading, but I understand why you don’t. I don’t know that I would if I were you.  

I take viagra just in case. At age 23. Why? Because I play to win.  It's like bowling with the slide. You can't mess up.  If we’re going to fuck, it’s going to be good. I’m already using chemicals to enhance my personality, might as well go all the way.   My strategy is to give girls dick so enjoyable that they can get over the fact that they slept with me on the first night. Because I know it probably doesn’t feel very good the next day for them, no matter how much twitter says it’s okay.  

All you Rizz-less Randys squawking on the timeline about Rizz this Rizz that, I have so much Rizz, lmaooo my rizz crazy bro. Rizz rizz rizz rizz riizzzzzzzzzzz.... Hahhahhahahha Rizzzzzz Shut the fuck up. You are a tourist on Rizz Island. I'm a Prizzoner there.

Example: I’m telling normans about how competitive smash is a fun hobby to subtly convince them i’m not a loser.   “It’s fun! There’s local tournaments with 50 players, you gotta go in person, you go to regional tournaments, you get to travel with your friends, stay in airbnbs, see new places, go to events with a ton of people where almost everybody knows you , it’s a great time!” The use of “you,” I think, has the effect of making the listener imagine themselves in that scenario rather than me. It’s something like: wouldn’t YOU like to have all this in YOUR life? like a sales pitch.  

one of the many great disappointments of my life: realizing that blow jobs will never not hurt me. if she’s going fast enough to really do anything, there’s gonna be some teeth in contact at some point. and that is apparently okay with most men, because all i’ve ever heard about in media is how great blow jobs are, and how i need this bitch to suck my dick, chupa mi pito, slob on my knob, etc so imagine my disappointment when the thousandth different girl takes her try, really tries her best, a self-proclaimed champion knob slobberer, and she fails to really do anything pleasurable to my overly sensitive penis.   and i’m discussing this with girl, she doesn’t understand, I explain that circumcision probably contributed to my increased sensitivity, like a wound that never healed. A brutish mutilation that my parents and some doctor decided was right for this perfect little baby boy, because tradition. so i’m like “fucking jews” and she laughs.   so we try again another day and ...

I felt quite validated and relieved in high school when my SAT score came back at 95th percentile. The realization was like: oh, I’m not dumb, most other people are dumb (it’s just like being crazy, you never really know if it’s you or everybody else.) and i should trust my instincts more and i will probably be okay in life And you can say that standardized testing is bullshit and it doesn’t correlate to general intelligence to which i would reply: I don’t think you really believe that. when someone says “i’m just a bad test taker” do you really believe them? what is a test? LIFE IS A TEST!!!! a TEST, TESTS your ability to solve problems!!! That’s life!!!

In 7th grade i was flown out across the island archipelago to receive an award for an essay contest reflecting on the Hawaiian values of KOKUA (to help others) and KAHIAU (to give generously with the heart), how I have demonstrated these values in my life. Even at 12, I was a little cretin who had never helped anyone or given generously with my heart even once, but i had a vivid imagination, so i crafted a story in which my friends and I were cleaning up trash on the beach, which inspired other people to do so, which resulted in a great big orgiastic scene of spontaneous-community-service-induced-love in which we all lived happily ever after. It didn’t go exactly like that, I don’t know. it was a long time ago. but I do know that it was a completely fabricated story in which I helped people, garnished with musings about love and community or whatever and I felt pretty smug submitting it.   So imagine how I feel when they fly Mom and I across the island archipelago to Honolulu and h...

And I am fully prepared to deal with the “Interesting” 28-year old flannel wearing english-major-guitar-playing-barista who strikes up a conversation with her about a book each of them have only half-read in preparation for this human connection, which is the real point of the event anyway. I am fully prepared for him to act like a friend, carefully but deliberately ramping up the level of intimacy in their interactions so that I, her boyfriend who she mentioned once or twice in passing niceties, am reduced to nothing more than a pesky obstacle between my girl and the new Love of her Life, Jeff.  

“Yeah I tried it. The first episode is about cigarettes right?” me: NO, IT’S ABOUT LONELINESS! IT’S ABOUT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT AND STILL BEING EMPTY! IT'S ABOUT THE FACT THAT NOBODY REALLY KNOWS YOU AND TO GET WHAT YOU THOUGHT YOU WANTED YOU HAD TO SHED YOUR SKIN SO MANY TIMES YOU DON’T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOUR SELF!