The Third TV

The third TV arrived today. Some poor wage slave carried that huge box up to my apartment in the pouring rain. But it never got to me. Someone must have stolen it. I don’t know what happened. But I think I’m entitled to a refund. At least, that’s what I tell the Amazon Customer Service Representative on the phone. In reality, no one is entitled to anything. “Fair” and “deserve” are words a child would use. 

Picking at my poorly painted nails, I brace for his response. 

“So you never received the item?”

“No I did not.”

“Are you sure? Did you check everywhere around the residence?”

“Yes sir.”

“Okay, give me a moment.”

“Thank you.”

I feel the sudden urge to urinate. I walk across the 15-foot perimeter of my apartment to the bathroom and take my piss, phone in one hand, dick in the other, aiming for the side of the bowl to minimize the sound. 

Mid-stream, he’s back. 

“Hello, Tom, are you still there?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, we are very sorry that someone might have taken your package. To make this right, we will send a full refund to your account via the original payment method.”

“Oh that would be great, thank you so much!”

“Yes, you can expect that in 2-3 business days. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

“No, that’s good.”

“All right Tom, thanks so much and have a great day.”

“You too.”

Awesome. I flush the toilet and return to the living room where my box sits on the floor. I plan to take some pictures and sell it on Facebook Marketplace. I wonder how many times i can do this before the company blacklists me. I wonder how difficult it would be for them to find my listing on facebook. How many real purchases do I have to make for my account to avoid suspicion? Is this illegal? Jail-illegal or hefty fine? These are all questions for another day. Today I just take some pictures.