sadness

i am almost 23, fully jaded, curled up in a ball on the hardwood floor of my studio apartment, the castle i built, completely devoid of hope or will. why even record this? so some day I can look back on this note and feel a twinge of gratitude for having escaped this position? that implies it will get better. i don’t know how that’s possible. my life is a castle i've built around me - i'm doomed to watch it fall to pieces, killing me in the process. 

it’s not the apartment’s fault. it’s not anyone’s fault. it just is. i don’t know why it is, but it is. maybe it is the overuse of marijuana coupled with the sudden abstinence, but it is something. the poorly timed lower back injury is surely not helping. i don’t even care that i used surely in two consecutive sentences. it doesn’t matter. no one will read this anyways. for people to read what you have to say for more than a few sentences in the year 2021, you need to be a billionaire, have a billion twitter followers, or be the reader’s boyfriend. there are too many words in circulation for yours to be worthy of anyone’s time. especially when the words are as meaningless and hopeless as these ones have turned out to be. this is the final entry into my diary because i will now go kill my self. good bye. 


i wish someone would massage me but i can’t show myself to anyone like this, especially not the girl who would come over and do it if i asked. i know that people are turned off by the way that i am right now. when i am the way that i am right now, it does no good to put my face in front of other people's faces.


i can’t tell whether or not i miss college because i wasn’t writing back then. all i have to show for that period of my time on earth is the messages i sent and the pictures i took. there is no record of absolute truth like i have here. what a shame. i think i’m drawn to the idea of college because it would be nice to have some friends who live (really) closeby to or to reintroduce platonic females into my life. i haven’t had a conversation with a woman i wasn’t trying to fuck in so long.

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