The Heist

It’s 2 AM in September.

We sit beside each other, as intimately and comfortably as we ever have, on a mutual friend’s couch, watching a horror film in the company of 4 somewhat close friends. We have never “hooked up.” We just met last week. I've wanted you for longer than that.


The host unwittingly drapes a thick white comforter over our tired laps and legs. 


Possessed by desire, my left hand creeps slowly and deliberately outward until it reaches its target on your mid-thigh.


Your breath catches. You’re frozen, prey animal, intoxicated by excitement and fear. Do your best not to react. 


My left hand, having the time of its life, continues to excavate your smooth thigh for the next entire hour, in the presence of four other people, who, at all costs, can not know that this is happening. 


I can’t go on like this. I rise from the couch, apparently going to use the restroom in the usual way, but actually using it as shelter to send the dizzy girl this message:


“Wait at least 20 minutes after I leave

Say you’re going to your hotel

Call a lyft to 422 11th Ave E

I’ll be there waiting for you.”


I return to the living room. High on the thrill of this final leap of faith, I tell you to check your phone. You immediately know why.


I retreat to the back of the room where no one can see my phone screen and wait for her response. She’s hunched dramatically over her phone to obscure it from outside view.


She’s typing…


The heart swells in anticipation.


“Okay”


And now it is ready to explode. In a flash, I thank Host for hosting, slings my bag over my shoulder, and escape out the front door.


To say I’m really feeling himself right now would be a bit of an understatement. I feel like I should win some kind of award for this performance, only to remember that everything I’ve ever wanted is on her way to my apartment right now.


I ride a lime scooter straight down the long steep hill home. It’s kind of dangerous, honestly, but it’s the best ride of my life. I feels like I just pulled off an incredible heist, so smoothly that no one in the bank has any idea, riding off into the sunset with millions.


She follows the instructions perfectly. “Good girl.” We are united in disbelief at what just occurred. It’s 4 AM, but we are both wide awake.

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