Sad Smile

You smile because you know you’re mostly an animal, a machine with inputs and outputs, and this input should trick your brain into feeling the good output. But it’s losing its potency with every forced gesture, and so eventually it results in that classic barely-keeping-it-together, pathetic, obviously sad smile.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Freshman Year

Los Angeles, 2016. It was just so hot. Early August. 85 to 90. Dry heat. Every single day.   One of my first distinct memories is skipping out on the “Welcome Back Parade” to lay in sweaty heat with a girl named Gina, non-sexually, on my twin-sized dorm bed. We listened to “Closer” by the Chainsmokers, hating that terrible song together. It might have been the first time I ever physically cuddled with a female girl. It felt really good. Really really really good. That was all I wanted to do from then on.   I lost her trust in less than two months. One day she asked me where I was going and instead of telling her that I was going to a Smash Bros Tournament I said that I was doing something else. Partially because I was insecure about the fact that I went to Smash Bros Tournaments and also because I didn’t want her to think I was blowing her off for a childrens’ party game. But both of those things were true.  
Read more

The Opposite of a Praise Kink

It always hurts me to be praised or appreciated. Especially over text. When I receive kind words from someone in any context, any medium where the point of the words are to flatter me, appreciate me, or anything like that, I just Can Not read it. It’s always too much. I can’t be like “aww, that’s so sweet! thanks!” and go about my day. I can’t even take people thinking positively of me. I can’t take it when my parents say they love me or when my girlfriend tries to express how she feels. I don’t want to hear it and I don’t know why.   Even when everything was going well, even in the best moments of my life, enjoying the spoils of years of passive effort, I would not be able to take ‘Congratulations’ comfortably.  
Read more

all my writing is gone

and everything is worse now. Hopefully I am able to look back at this in 9 months and smile. Hopefully I will have written so much more in the next 9 months that I no longer care. I wonder if I would care this much if a friend died. You never really know how something is going to affect you until it happens. And then it happens again and again, in your brain, as you retrace every stupid step you took to get there.   Whenever I search for how to get over a loss on google, it’s always people bitching about their losing their girlfriend. I’ve never experienced that kind of loss, but I imagine it’s similar. You spent so much time building the relationship and then something unexpected occurs and everything you built is for nothing. I don’t know if that comparison is particularly apt because usually relationships don’t just stop cold, they die slowly. At least that’s how I remember it.   Somebody could break into this house, rob me at gunpoint and take all my shit out of my room. T...
Read more