Valentines Day

I’ll show up to the Cafe, where she works, on Valentines Day, with a bouquet of roses, hand it to her in front of everyone. All will see what a great boyfriend I am and she will be so happy and maybe i’ll post a picture on social media and get even more good boy points on the internet from people I barely know and maybe even some strangers as they scroll by. And also everyone at her job will know that they can’t fuck her, because she has a Great White Boyfriend. 

It didn’t go as planned. They were super busy, like 8 people working behind the counter, which is too many people behind the counter at Starbucks, you only need like four, so a bigger audience than I anticipated, and she was actually in the back, so I went up to one of her co-workers and said: 

“This is for Netanya.” She was like aww, that’s so sweet. Are you her boyfriend? And I was like “No, I’m just some random guy” and she was like “oh… okay…” her cheerful expression died instantly. I backpedaled: “No, no, I am her boyfriend, I was just joking! Please don’t call security.” I’m sure there are actual Creeps who come in just for her, I didn’t want to cause any trouble — I just wanted my internet good boy points. 

So I eventually catch her taking a pause, I give her the flowers, she loves it, of course, everything is okay, and her coworkers are so jazzed by this they give me a free iced coffee on the house which some homeless crackhead paid four dollars for and then staggered off forgetting, and as they hand me the drink, my stupid hands drop the fucking thing and it explodes in slow motion on the cold hard floor.

I just look at the tired green apron person behind the counter with a sad smile and say “Darn…”

AND THEY MAKE MY GIRLFRIEND MOP IT UP! IT’S THE WORST VALENTINE’S DAY EVER. I went in there, made a fool of myself, was almost thrown out for being a creep, and then created a mess for her to mop up. Wet floor caution sign posted and everything. It was a total catastrophe.