Periphery

If I can see the opponent in my periphery, it completely removes me from the game. I’m now thinking about the other person, their life, their experience of fighting me. I’m noticing their posture and the way they smell and the profile of their face and this information pollutes that same corner of my brain that does not allow me to enjoy blowjobs.

When I was a kid, I had my own bedroom. I was the only boy so I had my own room so I spent a lot of time alone. I was comfortable alone. I fell asleep alone. I learned alone. I grew up in mostly the company of only myself. And then I became adult and had to adapt my lonely brain to all these situations with other people in them. 

I can’t fall asleep touching my Girl. She falls asleep in 3 minutes. She actually sleeps better when I’m holding her. Sounds cute, but actually isn’t because i always need to change positions and eventually detach her body if I want any chance at getting some rest myself. That part of my brain that monitors the behavior and thoughts of others in my proximity won’t let me go. Even at 3 am, with my soundly sleeping girlfriend, in my safe and relatively quiet apartment, after hours of laying in silence, I am awake.

I can’t work with other people. I can’t write with someone I know in the room. I found that I can go to a cafe and put ear plugs in and then put noise canceling headphones over the earplugs and get a kind of visual-only experience alone in public with my computer and my thoughts and passing images of muted humans, and as I type the cafe gets terribly busy and some girl gives me a look but I reflect it with my force field, my fingers go cold and i’m becoming self aware and so it’s time to head out. I just need to say one more thing.